The last few days have been pretty full-on for me on the loud, scary, debilitating fear front (hello, biggification is 99% destuckification).  But, finally, something shifted enough that there was a little chink of space in my brain, and through that small insight came a glimpse of a pattern.

So, I’m going to talk to the fuzzball monsters* involved to find out what they can tell me it.

* Also known as the sad, scared selves, also known as the internal voices that yell scary, intimidating and/or horrible things at you.  A bow to Havi (again) for the metaphor, and the colouring book.

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What I’ve just discovered about this pattern:

When deep, scary fears come up, and resistance starts to kick in, my mind runs in two directions for help: what I’m going to short-handly call the Zen method (a la Cheri Huber) and the NVC method (in which NVC stands for Nonviolent Communication).  Two very useful and mutually-supportive methods for working with stuck.

Two methods which have been hijacked by the monsters.

Like so:

Zen monster: ‘You should just be able to accept whatever hard stuff is coming up!’  (Said with accompanying fear and urgency.)

NVC monster: ‘All feelings are pointers to needs being met or not met – we need to find the unmet need here and get it met, right now!’ (Said with accompanying fear and urgency.)

I know in theory that these monsters care deeply about me being happy and fulfilled and generally okay.  I also know, in a decidedly non-theoretical way that their monster tactics are not really working.

I’m bringing in Negotiator me to help with this conversation, since she seems to have access to a core of calm that in this situation is totally beyond me.

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Negotiator me: So, NVC monster, could you start by telling me what it is that you object to about Zen monster’s idea?

NVC monster: What about meeting our needs?! Accepting stuff sounds awful. Needs are important! They are sparkly and shiny and what makes us thrive. And you’re telling me we just ignore that in favour of resigning ourself to accepting whatever shitty situation is arising?

Negotiator me: So, you’re really concerned that ‘accepting’ what comes up is just going to be another way of denying ourselves what could be helping us to thrive?

NVC monster: Exactly! Like we have done so very many times.

Negotiator me: I hear you. And I also want to point out something very important that I noticed today: the way you put this to me is done with such urgency and stress that I get paralysed and can’t hear the essence.

NVC monster: What say you?

Negotiator me: When you’re freaking out about how we’re not going to get our needs met if we don’t do something about it right now, I can’t deal with the stress and I shut down.

NVC monster: But… if I don’t make it urgent than our needs might not be met!

Negotiator me: I don’t think that’s true, but putting that point to the side for a moment: what would happen if our needs didn’t get met?

 NVC monster: Uh, we would die. Or equally terrible, unspeakable awfulness.

Negotiator me: I thought you might say that. May I present to you research prepared by our team of scientists on the subject: here you can see just a sampling of various times in our life when our needs weren’t met. [Monster studies research] And here, you can see the outcome of all these specific incidences did not end in death and/or terrible, unspeakable awfulness.

NVC monster: But you were depressed! And paralysed with fear!

Negotiator me: So the worry is that if I don’t get my needs met I will be depressed and paralysed with fear?

NVC monster: Exactly! Now you get it!

Negotiator me: I understand. And I also have here some more research from the lab, in which incidences where our needs were not met and we didn’t respond with debilitating fear are documented.

[Monster studies research]

Negotiator me: And, it seems likely to me that our needs are not going to be met many, many times in the future, and I would like to be able to not freak out when this happens.

NVC monster: Yes! Of course! This is what I want to, for you to be happy.

Negotiator me: I know, my darling. Which is why we really need to change the strategy, because freaking out about the possibility of my needs not being met actually gets in the way of me meeting my needs. And being able to be okay with times when my needs aren’t met. And being able to mourn those times.

NVC monster: So when our feelings come up, we can acknowledge them and acknowledge that they are pointing us to a need and remind ourselves that it is okay if we don’t figure out the need or how to meet it in this moment?

Negotiator me: That sounds like a brilliant plan to me.

Zen monster: Uh, isn’t that basically what I was saying all along?

Negotiator me: Hi, Zen monster. I think that you might find that although that was the essence of the understanding you wanted me to have, the way it was delivered was in the same urgent, freak-out style as NVC monster. N’est pas?

Zen monster: Well, yeah. But only because you wouldn’t listen otherwise and then you’d end up having terrible, unspeakable things happen if you couldn’t accept your feelings and… Oh wait.

Negotiator me: Ja.

Zen monster: I see. I feel awful about this! I’ve been trying to help, but it’s actually been creating the problem!

Negotiator me: Oh my lovely, you didn’t want to cause any pain and it is so hard seeing how your strategy didn’t work in the way you intended?  And knowing that it sucked for me?

Zen monster: Yes. That wasn’t what I wanted at all.

Negotiator me: I know, my love. This conversation is leaving me feeling really hopeful that we can become, like, the ultimate team and find new strategies that are helpful and supportive and don’t end up with me hiding under the duvet in tears.  What say you to that?  High fives?

[Sound of fuzzy monster paws high-fiving human hand]

High freakin’ fives.

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Comment Zen!

This post is especially dedicated to fuzzball monsters everywhere.  If you want to talk to any of your own or maybe just introduce them to mine in the comments, you are most welcome.

And if there are any monsters that seem way too scary to even contemplate talking to, there’s a big pile of blankets and hugs over here.

Because this blog is really a secret den, we take care to notice if our stuff gets triggered and do our best to not take our stuff out on other people.  Also, no unsolicited advices here, please!

Adorations to everyone reading
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